Rewind;

These five years may possibly be the craziest five years I will have in my life. From low to high, through ups and downs. People walking in and out, gains and losses, laughter and tears. Some memories I wish I could remember, some I wish I could forget.

I once read that people don't change, you just see different versions of them. As we grow older, some versions of people make you despise them but really, we're all just human. There's nothing to hate.

I can't bring myself to say what it is that has make me feel like I do today. After building my way to where I am now, I feel like there's no purpose. I feel I'm wasting my time despite doing so much with it - so much that doesn't matter.

And it all just makes me want to travel. To get away from this weekly routine of work and study, to really find out what lies in the world outside of my own bubble of uni and corporate that so many people are sitting in. I am so, so sick of this routine. I'm dying for the year to finish to this life.

These five years I thought I've seen so much, but I know there's so much more to see. So much more to gain and so much here I could lose. I'm craving for a journey, maybe a peaceful one, maybe a painful one. Whatever will help me move on as a person and help me make myself, to find myself. Will this journey ever end?

So much has happened this week. Most of which has to do with facing unexpected changes.

Usually I write on a very general level, but today, I want to talk about exactly what's been going on in my life.

Not only is this the first time I've been faced with death of those that I know or previously knew, but it happened twice in the one week. My grandparents have passed away and that's about it; I've never seen a dead person, I've never been to a funeral, I've never lost any friends or close relatives. No one that I've shared moments of trust and love with. And then it all happened at once.

This whole week I have been so lost, I've asked myself so many questions about life. I've experienced this emotion that I have never experienced before and cannot explain myself - mixed feeling of shock, regret, loss, guilt... it almost feels surreal. I've finally been confronted with this notion of mortality that I have only heard about but was never this close until now. I can feel it coming closer and closer to those around me and I wish I could fight it off but it doesn't take a genius to tell me that there is no point in resisting because we have to accept these changes. We learn from our losses and gain new relationships, but it's just so hard.. this feeling lingers with you and I feel as though things will never be the same for the people who were once close to someone who passes away.

On a less significant level, the year is ending and I am being faced with changes in the coming year. After all the jobs I have had in the past couple of years, I will be leaving everything behind and will have to go searching again for the coming year. New roles are getting voted for and assigned.

There has also be large changes at my work with half the team changing. Seeing colleagues pack up and changing teams while we all worked together so well, it's such a shame. We all go our different paths, people come and go in our lives.

So much loss, but at the time, there is so much waiting for me.

To wrap things up, this song was first introduced to me by a great friend who was caring for those around him and supposed us through our rough times. He will always be remembered for his talent in art and music. Hope you're resting well in heaven and maybe we will have that catch up session that we never had the chance to have.

I don't believe in fighting depression. I don't believe depression is a thing. That's why I don't believe in psychologists. What is the point of telling someone you don't know, everything? When people said I was depressed and I had to fight it, I didn't believe them, and I still don't till this day. You don't fight something that's in you, you just simply come to terms with it. You tell it that this is your life and you control your own life. Stand your ground.

To me, depression is not being sad or upset, it's the lack of hope. Lack of ability to see that there are opportunities waiting for you, and space for you to move forward where things will keep becoming better. But it is not the lack of appreciation, it is the inability to deal with what is given to you.

It takes a lot of courage to suicide. There is so much to let go of, so much to give up. You are sacrificing your life in the hope of others, although they may not feel the same.

But all this is okay, we're all human, we all go through the same things. I always believe there's hope in every situation, sometimes it's just the inability to see it cause it may be real damn dark, but it's there. Those who survive the battle are the strongest.

In Year 12, a close friend once told me this: "I know someone who once did actuarial and dropped out because you're looking at the probability of death and how likely it is for people to die. Are you sure you want to do this?"

I said yes, and when asked what type of insurance I wanted to move into, I always said life insurance. It wasn't until today that I was struck with the reality of my job.

I was told to check the claims database - that is each and every claim made in the past year to make sure dates are consistent, data is inputted correctly etc. Mind you, this is a spreadsheet with 50 x 15000 cells and I was just focused on a few columns, so it wasn't until after working on it for an hour or two that I realised there were three rows that described the cause and nature of death of each individual. I sat there for an hour reading this. Things ranged from "Motor vehicle accident" to "cancer" to "self-inflicted injury - suicide". Right next to these comments was a number that showed whether the claim was accepted (0) or rejected (reason with number 1 to 6). As I read through them, it was almost as if I was paying respect to each and every person in the spreadsheet - I couldn't believe these were actual people's names. Their date of birth was there, their occupation, and what surprised me the most was the date they passed away was listed under a column named DOI - Date of Incident. It felt like I had narrowed all these 15000 lives to one spreadsheet, to a file of data, performing formulaic calculations on numbers in their lives that meant nothing to them and actually mean nothing to us. Those people who were rejected claims because they did not meet the conditions of the policy, I could see it all there, it was so raw.

I will never forget the time I spent scrolling through that spreadsheet, matching dates and identifying duplicates when really, I was dealing with information of people's lives.

Makes me wonder what everyone else asks: what do actuaries really do?

Hi you, how are you recently?

Uni break has been so long that I have forgotten what study is already. I've been so caught up with working six days a week that I finally understand how little time we really have in our lives. I'm currently working 3-4 jobs, meaning I have 5 emails to check: one for each job and my personal ones. Even my facebook has become an avenue through which my colleagues can contact me, cause that's the only way they can get to me when I decide to keep my phone on the other side of the house. Our world has become so connected and transparent, almost too connected that I feel like there is no privacy anymore. All media sites are connected to each other; you can connect your laptop to your phone and even to your TV, cameras are everywhere as though there is always someone watching you, always someone who will find out what you're up to.

It is the chaos of today's internet that makes me so stressed. I could imagine that if we didn't have phones, there would be no emails: we would finish work and leave all the worries behind. Now there's managers calling you in in the morning because your colleague is sick, calendar invites to meetings, documents to read up on before the deadline.... the list goes on.

But it is exactly all this that makes me enjoy so much more, the time I have off. Today is the first day in a month that I have had lunch at home with my family. For someone that lives at home and whose parents are always at home, it makes me feel bad. I bought my mum a phone yesterday, mind you she loves it, shes been bragging to all her friends about it but a part of me feels guilty that I'm just buying her expensive things when really, a better present would be to spend more time at home with her. Just to be home for dinner on time rather than having to stay back to balance cash at the end of the day, or going out for dinner with this friend and that friend.

I'm surprised I have not forgotten to go to something or to do something as of yet. I mean, it's great; I love keeping myself busy, learning new things and making money. It does come at costs though, my health is deteriorating because I haven't been eating properly or had the time to exercise. You give some you get some.

Last year during the HSC, I dealt with stress very well: it motivated me to study hard and in the end, I did quite well. When it comes to study, stress guides my way and pushes me to do what I need to do.

But when it comes to work, I can never fall asleep at night. Even if it's just one thing that I messed up, I think about it for ages and ages, multiple times throughout the day and unrepeatedly at night, I could lay there forever and still not understand why I need to be stressing when my manager will take care of it.

The worst thing is to know that you brought it all upon yourself. Time and time again I overestimate the workload I can handle and end up in a mess not because of my studies, but because of work. Recently, I worked three jobs and shifts constantly clashed with one another. One day I was working 12 hours straight, one job after another and not once did I question why I was working so hard because I like keeping myself occupied. But then I progressed within one of my jobs and greater responsibilities came. With better jobs comes greater responsibilities. From getting a question wrong and saying sorry, to putting in a wrong order for a coffee, to a potential $1k loss for the store; the stress just builds up every day you're working. Aside from tutoring jobs, greater pay and better jobs always come with greater responsibilities and I am beginning to question whether I can take on these increasing responsibilities at a great enough speed.

The other thing that concerns me most is what other people think of me. I would rather my manager fire me than having to resign. I like to build strong connection with my colleagues. Every team has a different attitude and values that everyone within the group adopts. Having moved from one job to another, and working for three jobs at once, I often question what set of values and personality best suits me.
For example, I worked as a tutor, barista and telecommunications customer advisor all at once. When people ask me where I work, I don't tell them I work three jobs cause they'll think I'm crazy, so I just pick one. Saying "I work at a cafe", gives off a very different vibe to "I work in telecommunications". One gives of a sweet, obedient kind of personality while the other gives off (you could say) a geeky, well-informed vibe. I thus find myself picking one that I feel best suits the other person's interests and liking.

Mind you, I've quit my jobs and I only have one left but now there is a chance of career progression into a completely more dynamic and complex environment with even greater responsibilities. I only very recently (not even a month ago) decide I would go with one job and now I might be switching. While I am very excited about the opportunity to move into this next field, I am quite lost on how my personality will be shaped hereafter.

In business school where it's all about increasing your networks and contacts, everyone wants to be someone that people like. In the past few months, I have attended a couple of training programs, began to read "how to win friends and influence people", been put in a lot of scenarios from meetings to parties, and observed and experimented with a lot of communication techniques. There are some things I found.

Step One: People like others who effectively listen
When you ask someone "how are you", there is nothing worse than knowing that they don't really care what your answer is. You could tell them you nearly got into a car crash this morning and they could be like "oh that's good that's good!". It is also just as bad when someone goes into a long ramble about how their day was and what their life is about because really, do we care? We all just are about ourselves. However, if you listen and pretend to care, say the right things, people tend to like you.
Remember what they say, don't ask the same thing twice, people hate that.
Don't talk about yourself, no one cares.

Step Two: Don't talk shit about others
Don't be a bitch, its really not that hard. If you talk shit about someone else, chances are the person you're talking to is judging you as you are judging that someone else you're bitching about. Calling someone an "interesting character" is not the same as calling them "weird". Calling someone "outspoken" is not the same as calling someone "loud and annoying". Choose your words carefully.

Step Three: Don't criticise, don't blame
Whether you're in the scenario first hand, or you're talking about a scenario, don't blame anyone for anything that went wrong. Don't blame the bus for being late, don't blame your sister for taking forever to get ready in the morning, don't blame your colleague for not double checking the appointment time, don't blame your friends for not finishing the assignment up to standard; you will always have a responsibility in what went wrong, and if anything, blame yourself. It was your fault you didn't catch the earlier bus, it was your fault you didn't double check things. Either blame your own lazy asshole or blame no one. It was no one's fault, maybe it was a miscommunication. All people want to know is that it won't happen again, no need to be defensive about it.

Step Four: Remember names and use it!
I learnt recently that nothing is sweeter in someone's ears than the sound of their own name. A week ago, I went to a party and I saw a guy I met a year ago, and he remembered my name. I immediately was fond of him and we got into a conversation immediately. On the contrary, a month ago when I was at a formal event, I saw a girl who I met a week before the event. Let's say her name was Peta, I was like "Hi Peta, how're you? Do you remember me?" And she was like "umm.. not really". I was pretty sad that I wasn't important enough for her to remember.
Of course everyone's excuse is "Oh I'm so bad with names, I'm so sorry", but that's no excuse. One of the greatest leaders in the world memorised everyone's name before he hosted the event so that when it was break time, he would go up to each of the guests and say "Hi Brian, what did you think of such and such". And Brian would think, my goodness how does this guy know my name.
Everyone's name is special to them. By using their name, you make them feel important.

That's all I can think of for now! Try it out, it honestly works. One day I'm gonna come back, read this and apply it again and again.