These five years may possibly be the craziest five years I will have in my life. From low to high, through ups and downs. People walking in and out, gains and losses, laughter and tears. Some memories I wish I could remember, some I wish I could forget.
I once read that people don't change, you just see different versions of them. As we grow older, some versions of people make you despise them but really, we're all just human. There's nothing to hate.
I can't bring myself to say what it is that has make me feel like I do today. After building my way to where I am now, I feel like there's no purpose. I feel I'm wasting my time despite doing so much with it - so much that doesn't matter.
And it all just makes me want to travel. To get away from this weekly routine of work and study, to really find out what lies in the world outside of my own bubble of uni and corporate that so many people are sitting in. I am so, so sick of this routine. I'm dying for the year to finish to this life.
These five years I thought I've seen so much, but I know there's so much more to see. So much more to gain and so much here I could lose. I'm craving for a journey, maybe a peaceful one, maybe a painful one. Whatever will help me move on as a person and help me make myself, to find myself. Will this journey ever end?
So much has happened this week. Most of which has to do with facing unexpected changes.
Usually I write on a very general level, but today, I want to talk about exactly what's been going on in my life.
Not only is this the first time I've been faced with death of those that I know or previously knew, but it happened twice in the one week. My grandparents have passed away and that's about it; I've never seen a dead person, I've never been to a funeral, I've never lost any friends or close relatives. No one that I've shared moments of trust and love with. And then it all happened at once.
This whole week I have been so lost, I've asked myself so many questions about life. I've experienced this emotion that I have never experienced before and cannot explain myself - mixed feeling of shock, regret, loss, guilt... it almost feels surreal. I've finally been confronted with this notion of mortality that I have only heard about but was never this close until now. I can feel it coming closer and closer to those around me and I wish I could fight it off but it doesn't take a genius to tell me that there is no point in resisting because we have to accept these changes. We learn from our losses and gain new relationships, but it's just so hard.. this feeling lingers with you and I feel as though things will never be the same for the people who were once close to someone who passes away.
On a less significant level, the year is ending and I am being faced with changes in the coming year. After all the jobs I have had in the past couple of years, I will be leaving everything behind and will have to go searching again for the coming year. New roles are getting voted for and assigned.
There has also be large changes at my work with half the team changing. Seeing colleagues pack up and changing teams while we all worked together so well, it's such a shame. We all go our different paths, people come and go in our lives.
So much loss, but at the time, there is so much waiting for me.
To wrap things up, this song was first introduced to me by a great friend who was caring for those around him and supposed us through our rough times. He will always be remembered for his talent in art and music. Hope you're resting well in heaven and maybe we will have that catch up session that we never had the chance to have.
I don't believe in fighting depression. I don't believe depression is a thing. That's why I don't believe in psychologists. What is the point of telling someone you don't know, everything? When people said I was depressed and I had to fight it, I didn't believe them, and I still don't till this day. You don't fight something that's in you, you just simply come to terms with it. You tell it that this is your life and you control your own life. Stand your ground.
To me, depression is not being sad or upset, it's the lack of hope. Lack of ability to see that there are opportunities waiting for you, and space for you to move forward where things will keep becoming better.
But it is not the lack of appreciation, it is the inability to deal with what is given to you.
It takes a lot of courage to suicide. There is so much to let go of, so much to give up. You are sacrificing your life in the hope of others, although they may not feel the same.
But all this is okay, we're all human, we all go through the same things. I always believe there's hope in every situation, sometimes it's just the inability to see it cause it may be real damn dark, but it's there. Those who survive the battle are the strongest.