Rewind;

It's raining. It hasn't rained since I last saw you.

Tonight's so quiet, I almost automatically just reach over, get my phone and call you but then I remember what's happening. I remember I can't, I remember that I shouldn't. It's not hard with you not being around but it definitely isn't easy either. On a day like this where I have so much to share, I have no one to share it with.

But I do feel more stable. I feel like I can get back on my feet and not need to wait around for something while I'm hurting so much inside. I don't feel the need to cry because I'm happy for what we have already.

I still don't know where we're going to go with this, will this period end with me saying "I love you" or saying "What matters is that we had a great time"? I feel that the distance is healthy but at the same time, I can't imagine what it'll be like without you anymore. I miss the days when we walked around Toys R Us, pressing all the buttons on the kid's toys and laughing at Elmo; I miss the days we spent climbing the playground equipment and swinging as high as we could on the swings; the day we would laugh when we crashed into each other snowboarding and tumbled down together; the day we spent at the park climbing trees and spinning around as fast as we could for a minute and seeing if we could walk in a straight line... Every moment I remember of you, I was so happy. You make me feel so free, and I could be caught in the moment with you forever.

Do you think we'll still have these times if we weren't together anymore?Do you think that even if I don't kiss you, hold your hand, hug you, or tell you I love you, we'll still argue about what to eat for lunch and end up picking random numbers to decide where to go? Do you think we'll still laugh at lame jokes and speak in racist accents?

I really want to be with you, to see you every week, to have a good time. I'm not ready to give up what we have. But at the same time, I'm not ready to accept the fact that I will have to wait for years and years with this distance. I wish we could decide on this together but I know that in the end, it will be my decision.
I know you wish we would keep fighting through this, and I wish we could just be friends (we've never been friends so who knows!). I know I love you more than I love myself and I will go with what you want, but at the same time, if we keep doing this, things will only get worse. I don't know. I still don't know.

Look who's back :)
Read a few blogs lately and decided I would just document my dreams. I was gonna turn up my messy room just to find an empty book to write this but I thought, hey why not just put them up here and people can help me decipher my mind of shit.

I always have dreams where I'm cheating on my boyfriend. I haven't even told him about this but it's always a different guy. Throughout the whole dream, I feel guilty and I hope that he doesn't find out. Every time I wake up, I am so relieved and I remind myself that I will never cheat on him because that would ruin things between us and I love him a lot.
You see, I read everywhere, all the dream interpreters just have interpretations of dreams where your boyfriend is having sex with another girl and that would symbolise your insecurity and lack of trust and loyalty in the relationship. Then what is it supposed to mean in my case? Is it a paranoia that I won't be able to stay loyal to him? I genuinely never had doubts about it though.

So there was this one dream where I had finished swimming and some random dude was hitting on me. I felt guilty and I left the pool, going to get changed. When I came back out to the "pool" it had turned into my mum's room. At this point I was scared and ran into my own room but the door seemed to burn away and I couldn't close it. I knew this dude was coming after me but I took a second out and said, wait a second, I'm dreaming. Rooms can't change like that.

So time out for a sec. A while back, I read on the internet about how to lucid dream. One of the methods was to write an "A" on your hand, and that would stand for awake. If you looked down at your hand enough while you were awake, then you would see it in your dream and realise you're dreaming.
I wasn't even trying to lucid dream. This isn't even how it's supposed to work, but I looked down at my hand after I had questions about whether I was dreaming. It was blank at first, the creases on my hand were clear, my fingers still summed up to 5 on each hand. Suddenly, an A appeared on my hand. At that stage, I knew I was dreaming. I said to myself "Imagine Eshiyu standing at the door right now, imagine it". I managed to imagine my other friend standing there, and I said "That's not Eshiyu! Try harder". Anyway right after that, I "woke up". I opened my eyes and saw my white quilt with orange and pink flowers on it. I looked at my hand and it was clean, clear creases, no A. Then I looked for a while longer and an A appeared again. I was tracing the A with a pen, thinking, it's going to disappear, I'm not dreaming. And that's when I actually woke up. I looked down at my hand and there was nothing there. It finally stayed that way.

I remember a friend telling me that people who lucid dream have a higher chance of sleep paralysis. That's what stopped me from trying to lucid dream.
But the thing is, if dreams are insights into your unconsciousness, then why would you try to lucid dream and take away that pathway to your inner thoughts?