Night before my actuary exam and I just can't even bring myself to study.
I've been feeling so out of it in the past few weeks. Comparing myself to other people, paranoid about what other people think. Those thoughts become embedded into my mind and all I think about is how to make myself better, to be as good as the best. I've long forgotten how to appreciate, I've forgotten how to love myself. In fact no, it's not that I've forgotten, it's just that I don't know how because I don't know who I am anymore.
Whenever I heard those motivational videos or what not, about nick vujicic, the guy with no arms or legs; or when someone posts some deep meaningful thing about their life, I just think its all bullshit and shit talk that wastes people time and it makes me cringe to read it or hear these stories. It's not supposed to make me feel that way right? Why is it that I feel this way though, is it cause I'm in denial to face these problems in life?
And then there's those nights where I cry for no reason, or maybe it's simply cause I have nothing to be happy about. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything. I know I should get out of this spiral downwards and fix my life up but I can't bring myself to start because everything seems to be wrong. I feel like I have nothing to start with.
Sometimes it gets so painful that I would just rather I died than be wasting time living my life. I would rather give my life to someone else who would treasure it more than me, who deserves it more than me.