I remember a week ago, I was over at a friend's place and we were talking about how people, well mainly girls, were really insecure. Which made me think to myself, am I insecure? (Am I a bit cray like them)
And the whole time I answered to myself, yeah I am. I don't admit it to anyone, but I know that I am. I find that admitting your weaknesses and vulnerable points gives people something to use against you. And I can tell you, I've learnt a lot this year.
(I should be studying right now but fuck it).
Have you ever know those people who you thought you were really tight with, you thought you knew them inside out and outside back in; cause at one stage you would text them all the time when you were upset, you told them everything, spent heaps of time with them? Then you don't know when it happened or why it happened, but they're gone.
I never knew whether it was me who changed, or whether it was them. I once even believed that, oh maybe something happened to them, I should be there for them rather than return the hate, give them space and shiet. But when I realise it was never really like that, and they even went around telling everyone about your shit, it hurts. Doesn't hurt because people know everything, but because someone you really trusted, someone you loved, betrayed your trust.
Well this is how I roll: I tell people things so that I will be more upset that they betrayed my trust, than I am upset that everyone knows.
And it wasn't until this, or maybe everything that happened recently, that I knew what it felt like to cry over friendships. It's the most bittersweet feeling ever. Doesn't have the heightened elation and depression of love, but it has that tingle of happiness and nostalgia attached to it.
That night after grad, we were at Darling Harbour and everyone had got their UMAT results and my friend was saying "I'll probably go interstate seeing as I didn't do well but I still did alright. I'll probably never see you again if I do." He wasn't serious at first but after a while I could feel the sadness in his voice and that's when I cried out my tears of the night. I didn't even know him well, but I was standing there hugging him and crying for 10 minutes or something.
I'm vulnerable and insecure, I live off the company of others. It's not that I'm self-conscious, I don't care about what everyone thinks of me, I only care about what those people who I have grown to love, think about me.
A couple of nights ago, my friend said to me:
"wait one
im going to show you something
i think you might be a bit irate"
I'll tell you my thought process.
I was going through all the people this could be about; I thought of each and every close friend this could be about, and exactly how much it would hurt me when I found out what it was. (Turns out it was something lil and stupid and it wasn't any of them. just some random chick being pedantic about something random, but that's not the point). The point is, that I do care what others think of me. Not everyone, just those that I care about. And it was time like this that I could really see who I could trust.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe it's an expression of my love for those I've become close with this year, maybe I've opened myself up to trouble by telling everyone this; but makes me feel better now it's out there and I killed a bit of your time, win win?
jokes, shoulda been studying. loss loss.