Rewind;

Time flies. Happened so long ago yet it's still clear in my head as though it were yesterday. The year is nearly over and I'm still living it as though it were last year. Everyone's moved on, and I still find myself living the past we shared.
All the blood and tears, all the happiness, pain and stress. I know it's not the best time to do a reflection of the year seeing as I have a maths exam tomorrow but I looked at the calendar just then and it all came back in a flood. I've been pretty happy recently, loving life for the past coupla months but suddenly, everything came back.
I'll be honest with you, this year was painful, probably one of the worst years of my life in so many ways, but this year I found out something about myself. Or you could say I found myself again. It's not every year that you learn to love yourself more by the end of it.

Do you like the suspense? Cause I like the suspense. I'm not sure whether it's good that I'm still not stressed although everyone is freaked out, or whether that's an extremely bad thing.
But who cares, it's just hsc right? It's just a make it or break it; if i break it, the world's not over, I'll still be fine. Is that why I don't care at all? Maybe.
I hope to do as well as I did for trials but seeing hte amount of fucks I give right now, I really don't think that would happen. In fact if you ask me what I got for english for trials, I don't even remember. just remember 90% whatever that mark is. I have a feeling I won't be able to write my essay in time, yet I am not stressed at all. Is that bad? Probably is.

But I'm working out :) srs. cause I want abs. crunches situps squats pushups, im just working out everything except for my arms.

not sure if you knew that but I thought it was pretty kewl. I have no triceps though, but I have biceps. Same thing? loljokes just want abs

I was lying there last night thinking: hey! you know what'd be a good idea for my blog? if i did friend dedz with pictures and shit to acknowledge our friendship, that'd be cute!
but nah that's just faggy, time consuming and I've had too much of a bad day to be fucked.
My sleep cycle is so fucked, I slept at 4, woke up at noon (again) and we have HSC in less than one week. what am i doing with my life. The worst part is, I'm still not stressed at all; looking at everything and going, "yeah I have time for that still, probs won't do that well anyway, fuck it" and I spend my time scrolling through newsfeed that I've seen three times already, typing like this, or just surfing ebay.
Well I've done nothing so I better go. Go play some solitare and then work. Seriously, what has my life become.

I remember a week ago, I was over at a friend's place and we were talking about how people, well mainly girls, were really insecure. Which made me think to myself, am I insecure? (Am I a bit cray like them)
And the whole time I answered to myself, yeah I am. I don't admit it to anyone, but I know that I am. I find that admitting your weaknesses and vulnerable points gives people something to use against you. And I can tell you, I've learnt a lot this year.

(I should be studying right now but fuck it).
Have you ever know those people who you thought you were really tight with, you thought you knew them inside out and outside back in; cause at one stage you would text them all the time when you were upset, you told them everything, spent heaps of time with them? Then you don't know when it happened or why it happened, but they're gone.
I never knew whether it was me who changed, or whether it was them. I once even believed that, oh maybe something happened to them, I should be there for them rather than return the hate, give them space and shiet. But when I realise it was never really like that, and they even went around telling everyone about your shit, it hurts. Doesn't hurt because people know everything, but because someone you really trusted, someone you loved, betrayed your trust.
Well this is how I roll: I tell people things so that I will be more upset that they betrayed my trust, than I am upset that everyone knows.

And it wasn't until this, or maybe everything that happened recently, that I knew what it felt like to cry over friendships. It's the most bittersweet feeling ever. Doesn't have the heightened elation and depression of love, but it has that tingle of happiness and nostalgia attached to it.
That night after grad, we were at Darling Harbour and everyone had got their UMAT results and my friend was saying "I'll probably go interstate seeing as I didn't do well but I still did alright. I'll probably never see you again if I do." He wasn't serious at first but after a while I could feel the sadness in his voice and that's when I cried out my tears of the night. I didn't even know him well, but I was standing there hugging him and crying for 10 minutes or something.

I'm vulnerable and insecure, I live off the company of others. It's not that I'm self-conscious, I don't care about what everyone thinks of me, I only care about what those people who I have grown to love, think about me.
A couple of nights ago, my friend said to me:

"wait one
im going to show you something
i think you might be a bit irate"
I'll tell you my thought process.
I was going through all the people this could be about; I thought of each and every close friend this could be about, and exactly how much it would hurt me when I found out what it was. (Turns out it was something lil and stupid and it wasn't any of them. just some random chick being pedantic about something random, but that's not the point). The point is, that I do care what others think of me. Not everyone, just those that I care about. And it was time like this that I could really see who I could trust.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe it's an expression of my love for those I've become close with this year, maybe I've opened myself up to trouble by telling everyone this; but makes me feel better now it's out there and I killed a bit of your time, win win?
jokes, shoulda been studying. loss loss.