Rewind;

I used to think, oh what would I have to lose from telling someone something, but I didn't realise that the only reason I didn't lose anything, was because they true friends and genuinely loved me, so it didn't matter what I had to say, they would still be there for me.
But I'm stupid, I didn't realise this until I lost them.
I forgot the last time I could talk about my feelings without hesitating. I forgot the last time someone actually understood how I felt. Cause now I realise that back then, those werent the worse days, people comprehended back then.
I live in the past, I will never forgive myself. It's jsut the truth, I can forgive anyone, but myself. I don't wish someone will be there for me, I just wish someone would understand. But no one will, I know that. That's why this morning I closed my eyes and said Dear God, sorry for everything I did wrong, please forgive me. Because you're the only one who would understand, you don't need to tell me what to do, I just need to know you're there.
I've fucking lost. Not lost to everyone else; I've lost to myself, I've lost myself.

Well I put together two blog posts I wrote, which is prob fucking obvious where the split is

The fog sat gently on the oval like a thin blanket on a child, as the spotlights shone on it, making it illuminate in the darkness. The night was growing old and the morning was about to begin.
"What do you regret?" he asked.
They were strolling across the oval; the layer of mist looked artificial. She stared at her dirt-coated damp sneakers trodding through the grass covered in dew while she ambled with him, unaware of the general direction in which she was walking. She knew she'd be lost if he wasn't there, but nothing mattered at that moment.
"I regret wasting so much time."
She kept watching her feet rhythmically thumping the ground, but felt his gaze redirecting to her with an aura of slight inquisitiveness, yet concern.
Finally, she looked up in response. She sighed heavily, letting a heat cloud escape with her anxiety, and began.
"I once met someone who was the best friend in the world. A friend who I could tell everything, a friend who would come out as soon as I called, the most loyal and thoughtful friend in the world. A best friend.
I have not had a better friend since.
"But I was a bitch, I was fucking horrible. After he had been there for me all that time, after everything we had done, I took him for granted. I was a rude cunt to him, I ruined everything. No I'm not exaggerating, I did.
I know a thousand sorrys wouldn't change what has happened but I am so insanely sorry, this was one of the things I have regretted the most in my life."
She hesitated, standing in the centre of the oval. The memories recollected in her mind while the morning sunlight was creeping in. She recalled the days they spent listening to music in the shops, the nights they pulled through together on the phone while crying, the nights they spent lying together on the ground and making promises. She remembers the promise she broke, a promise for her own good that she had broken and astonishingly, had made him upset.
"Why? Why did he have to be so nice? I was such a fucking bitch"

I don't even know what to say hmmmm
Something has hit me in the past few weeks, I've felt myself changing and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

Got home an hour ago and I am so dead.
Boys played soccer for three hours straight, 12-13, kept going up by one then evening out, so game never ended ahahha

Spent the day walking, talking, driving to maccas, taking down a MIB poster that jason bought, drinking milk tea, mafia with minimal trust, tenting with da boiz and more walking and talking.
ahahahahhah speaking of which, I think I told the boys too much while I was half asleep. I will grow to regret this.
Anyway need to catch up on sleep, have fun gurlz and boiz

Today, the weights hang from her cheeks. Today, she spends the day sitting on buses. Hiding in the back corner, she lets the bus trace the north coast of the city, dragging her along. Central, Manly, Narabeen, Newport. The landscapes mean nothing to her, but are merely accompanying images for her disillusioned thoughts; a catalyst, you could call it, for her fugitive memories as she stares blankly into the distance. She shifts her focus from the defined scratches of graffiti on the window, to the hypnotising rush of trees as the bus flies down the road at one hundred kmph.

fug i cant be bothered im gonna do phys. unfinished story is unfinished. comeatme ima lazy cunt.

never gets old :)

yeaaa, relay for life will be fun, camping with da boiz
anyway i have nothing to say so here's something I found :)

"People worry about scars staying. I worry about scars fading. Satisfactory bumps like corrugated paper as I run my fingers down my skin. These are the reminders of the pain suffered. No, not the physical pain, but the pain of reckless passerbys strolling past my life and shoving a nail through my heart, then saying 'oh shit' and running away. Running away I say, not walking off.
These scars are reminders of the mistakes I have made. Every night I stare at the neat stripes of murky brown protruding from the beautiful pale skin behind. Something is trying to push out from beneath these stripes, they keep screaming at me, reminding me not to make the same mistakes.
They call it self-harm, I call it self-discipline. I need to remind myself of the tormenting pain I have endured.
Those nights I crouched in the corner of the room, sobbing silently into my knees.
Those nights I laid on the cold floor in winter, letting the wind from the gap under the door engulf me.
Those nights I stared at my eyes in the mirror and found nothing underneath; hollow, soulless.
But I know better now. I know not to suffer from the same mistakes. All I need is these scars to stay, I need them to remind me every night. They need to stay, because nothing else does."

What happens when you realise that the bad guy was actually the good guy, and the good guy was actually the bad guy?

You thought you could trust someone you have known for so long, someone who has never lied to you before. Then what? Then you realise six months later, that it was all a lie.
Why did you do this to me? Aren't you supposed to wish someone the best if you love them, and be happy if they're happy? Why didn't you say no that day when I asked you? You don't know, do you? The pain you've caused me in the past year. You don't know that I have lost the person who I've loved most. You try and look like the good, nice guy, but you have ruined my life. Do you know what it feels like to live in the shadows of this past that you have created for me? No, you don't, you're fucked up, I fucking hate you.
And I'm not exaggerating about you ruining my life, I wouldn't be like this if I never fucking knew you. I wouldn't have wasted years of my fucking adolescence on you. Who are you exactly? How is it possible to have know you for so long and step back to question who you really are.

And moving on, it's amazing what happens in a night. You can be with the person you love, and you can break the person you love. These nights are the memorable nights, the ones that seem to last forever. Then there's the accumulation of all the other nights where you contemplate these memorable nights.
You were the cause of all this. And what did you do? You came back to me, did not even say sorry, just acknowledged it was a mistake and did not even try to help. And what was I thinking? What was I thinking to trust you so much and tell you everything, help you with everything. And what did I get in return? Did I even get a thank you? Or did you even listen? And what was I thinking that day when I was with you, what was I doing. What have I done.

The pieces fit together now, I found the missing piece. I found the conclusion and the answer to these fucking questions that I have been asking myself for, for half a year. You two fuckcunts have made me waste half a year: half a year of crying and trying to let go of something I never needed to fucking let go of.
Two fuckwits that I trusted the most with everything and it turns out you were the cause for all my misfortunes. Selfish fucking retards who I will never fucking talk to. And if anyone mentions it again, I will fucking go off at them and blow all their shit off.
What was I thinking, why did I trust anything either of you said?
It's funny cause I found more happiness in two weeks than the two fucking years I've been with you.

And why. Why was I not told this until half a year later. God, why.

Library with ma babes

well well well.
i wish so much that things were the same as before. I wish you could lie to me forever.
Ever have that feeling that its not them that you miss, but the past memories you had with them; because you know that they've changed, and you've changed as well.
it's taken too long, way too long. Too much time wasted getting over you.

We got our jerseys :D

we all look so beautifuzzles in our jerseys
got "Jo so fine" on the back, heh :) was gonna put jose on hte front but all the girls just put their name so i did too cause im a conformist. not hipster enough heh

Do you get that feeling where you're not sure if you actually still like them, or that its just a habit to think about and pay more attention to them? I don't know.
Like, at the end of all relationships, you have to avoid each other. But then after a while when you think it's okay to talk to them, you don't know how far back you go, as in do you treat them like when you first knew them, or when you were good friends with them already? Or will it never be the same again, so instead of going back, we should be going forward?
Well I tried the other day, but I found that I didn't know what to say and how to act so I just ended up saying I was busy and leaving.
It just doesn't feel the same anymore, but when there's a hint of the past, like say, the smell of him (yea im a fucking weirdo retard but im srs) then it just all comes back and I just miss the past so fucking much urgh

anyway i must study and work so fuck that. gl and goodbye :)